4w1d

There is too much arguing and too much negative energy. I am tired, and not just because hormones and a growing blob of cells are sucking all of the life out of me. I have had a headache since Tuesday, since before three tests confirmed I am pregnant. I have had cramps since the tests came positive. I have been crying too much at too many things. Most of all, though, I am scared.

Tonight was the first time we’d touched each other since. We were both apprehensive, each thinking the other never wanted to touch us again. When D. kissed me, he said it felt like the first time, and I believe he might have been right. We had changed since the last time. We’d become the sort of people who had to make tough decisions amid anger and tears and across great distances, in spirit if not in fact. We’d been the exception to the statistical probability, the one- to two-percent failure rate “with perfect use” that doctors warned about. And also: we’d become the couple who, three months into dating and falling in love and dreaming of years in the future, made an appointment to have an abortion.