one word: tired

Even though D. and I almost never talk about the abortion (and the weeks before and after, when we weren’t communicating that often), I feel like it’s become a metaphor for all of our problems. All the things that happened when he found I was pregnant — disconnection, abandonment, anger, blaming, guilt-trips — crop up in smaller forms in other disagreements, and I am nearly at my breaking point. I tell myself, I should have been able to get pregnant and have an abortion (that we chose together) without my boyfriend abandoning me. And today — after a disagreement — I find myself saying, I should be able to be disappointed and angry at something he did without him refusing to talk to me. Am I in a relationship or am I in a power struggle to see how quickly my spirit can be beaten down?